Friday, March 9, 2012
The Padded Room: The Padded Room
The Padded Room: The Padded Room: Third blog today. I have begun to listen to the audiobook "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It is extremely interesting, although it hasn...
The Padded Room
Third blog today.
I have begun to listen to the audiobook "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It is extremely interesting, although it hasn't brought up much of anything too new for me. There have been a few details concerning the ego that I just hadn't understood before.
The truth is, that I have spent much of my childhood without much of an ego. It wasn't until I was forced into work by my mom at the age of 17 that I truly began to notice that my thoughts and priorities varied a great deal compared to my peers. While others were attentive to their external needs and wants, my life was lived for the most part, internally. I knew who I was, which never bothered, or scared me. However, over the years, I was programmed into believing that the me that is the real me was someone to be ridiculed, shamed and ignored, even to my own detriment. And what a detriment it has been! Joyfully, I am now returning to the path I should be on. The me that should be. I have regained a greater portion of who I am and have continued attaining my goal of a largely egoless existence. Huzzah!
I do find it rather disconcerting that people, for some reason, feel the need to become so enmeshed with mere things that the loss of one thing causes what seems to be a rift in their personality. I am no exception. I have been down that path one too many times. For me, it was very hard to see my possessions disappear little by little everyday. Things I enjoyed. Things that expressed who I was to an extent. Why my brothers felt it was appropriate to misappropriate what I paid my hard-earned money for, was beyond me. It becomes almost impossible to disconnect from the trauma of continuously having everything that wasn't glued to the floor go missing. I never knew what to expect not to find day by day, if anything at all. I couldn't lay claim to anything, not even the real me, due to the misappropriation of the true me by my mom. I could never really know who I was because of the constant state of flux I endured day to day. I could never hold on to who I was. Not because my things went missing, but because the real me, and the inherent respect that must come with it was nonexistent. I was missing. I was misappropriated
I am glad to say that I am coming back, though. I have missed this place. The truly real me. I have no desire to take me for granted. Not after everything I have gone through already. I hope that my ramblings make sense to those that will read this blog. I have no intention of trying to be incomprehensible.
It has been a good day otherwise. I celebrated the birthday of a friend of mine. I prepared mandarin orange chicken, terriyaki noodle stri-fry, devil's food cake with strawberry frosting and after-dinner mocha. I got to try a new kind of cake today. The birthday girl shared it with me after her mom made it for her. The cake is called "Kitty-Litter cake". I am sure you can guess what it looks like. Yes, it certainly does look like the real thing. I shall have to hunt up the recipe and possibly post it another day. Yay! Well, good night and sweet dreams to all.
I have begun to listen to the audiobook "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It is extremely interesting, although it hasn't brought up much of anything too new for me. There have been a few details concerning the ego that I just hadn't understood before.
The truth is, that I have spent much of my childhood without much of an ego. It wasn't until I was forced into work by my mom at the age of 17 that I truly began to notice that my thoughts and priorities varied a great deal compared to my peers. While others were attentive to their external needs and wants, my life was lived for the most part, internally. I knew who I was, which never bothered, or scared me. However, over the years, I was programmed into believing that the me that is the real me was someone to be ridiculed, shamed and ignored, even to my own detriment. And what a detriment it has been! Joyfully, I am now returning to the path I should be on. The me that should be. I have regained a greater portion of who I am and have continued attaining my goal of a largely egoless existence. Huzzah!
I do find it rather disconcerting that people, for some reason, feel the need to become so enmeshed with mere things that the loss of one thing causes what seems to be a rift in their personality. I am no exception. I have been down that path one too many times. For me, it was very hard to see my possessions disappear little by little everyday. Things I enjoyed. Things that expressed who I was to an extent. Why my brothers felt it was appropriate to misappropriate what I paid my hard-earned money for, was beyond me. It becomes almost impossible to disconnect from the trauma of continuously having everything that wasn't glued to the floor go missing. I never knew what to expect not to find day by day, if anything at all. I couldn't lay claim to anything, not even the real me, due to the misappropriation of the true me by my mom. I could never really know who I was because of the constant state of flux I endured day to day. I could never hold on to who I was. Not because my things went missing, but because the real me, and the inherent respect that must come with it was nonexistent. I was missing. I was misappropriated
I am glad to say that I am coming back, though. I have missed this place. The truly real me. I have no desire to take me for granted. Not after everything I have gone through already. I hope that my ramblings make sense to those that will read this blog. I have no intention of trying to be incomprehensible.
It has been a good day otherwise. I celebrated the birthday of a friend of mine. I prepared mandarin orange chicken, terriyaki noodle stri-fry, devil's food cake with strawberry frosting and after-dinner mocha. I got to try a new kind of cake today. The birthday girl shared it with me after her mom made it for her. The cake is called "Kitty-Litter cake". I am sure you can guess what it looks like. Yes, it certainly does look like the real thing. I shall have to hunt up the recipe and possibly post it another day. Yay! Well, good night and sweet dreams to all.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
The Padded Room: The Padded Room
The Padded Room: The Padded Room: This is my second blog. Yay! I had to wake up early this morning to make my way to Century Plaza. Government interviewing. Always fun...
The Padded Room
This is my second blog. Yay!
I had to wake up early this morning to make my way to Century Plaza. Government interviewing. Always fun. I fell asleep the night before about 3 a.m. It's interesting to note that I can get tired as early as 9 pm, however, once I lay down to fall asleep, I suddenly am no longer sleepy. I awoke at 8 a.m. this morning, so I was functioning for most of my day on 5 hours of sleep. Not fun. However, my health insurance has been reinstated on this day. Thank the gods for these social safety nets. I would hate to cost the taspayers an exhorbitant amount of money by not having healthcare and laying even more unpaid medical bills on their backs. I would feel just horrible about that.
Of course, the prospect of having to interact with other human beings was rather nerve-racking. I have no personal problem with people at all. It's interacting with them that makes my stomach feel like there is a hive of insects crawling around in my stomach. I tense up. Sometimes it warps into a full-blown panic attack. Perhaps it's the the physical closeness. Maybe it has something to do with my claustrophobia. Or maybe it's the conversation. I stutter and go into slow motion sometimes. It should be noted that I have been diagnosed with autism. Eye contact is uncommon for me. Every time eye contact occurs with me, I feel as though I have been violated. Trespassed upon. Like someone brushing up against me physically. How dare someone tread on the property of my soul, my innermost being? Whatever causes these feelings, its not pleasant.
I picked up Book 2 of the Earth Chronicles by Zechariah Sitchin, seeing how as I was in the area. Barnes and Noble field trip! Always fun! I can't wait to begin reading it. I want to finish my X-Files book first. Otherwise I shall never finish it. Finishing projects has never been one of my strong points.
Then I came home and finally took a nap. The sweet release of sleep. The daring of dreams! A most quiet respite from the hassles of daily life...Then up again to enjoy my after-dinner mocha, which I usually have in the morning, however, the rush to Century Plaza forbade me from that most sacred of pleasures today. Until the eve. Well, I shall sign off for tonight. I will be back tomorrow!
I had to wake up early this morning to make my way to Century Plaza. Government interviewing. Always fun. I fell asleep the night before about 3 a.m. It's interesting to note that I can get tired as early as 9 pm, however, once I lay down to fall asleep, I suddenly am no longer sleepy. I awoke at 8 a.m. this morning, so I was functioning for most of my day on 5 hours of sleep. Not fun. However, my health insurance has been reinstated on this day. Thank the gods for these social safety nets. I would hate to cost the taspayers an exhorbitant amount of money by not having healthcare and laying even more unpaid medical bills on their backs. I would feel just horrible about that.
Of course, the prospect of having to interact with other human beings was rather nerve-racking. I have no personal problem with people at all. It's interacting with them that makes my stomach feel like there is a hive of insects crawling around in my stomach. I tense up. Sometimes it warps into a full-blown panic attack. Perhaps it's the the physical closeness. Maybe it has something to do with my claustrophobia. Or maybe it's the conversation. I stutter and go into slow motion sometimes. It should be noted that I have been diagnosed with autism. Eye contact is uncommon for me. Every time eye contact occurs with me, I feel as though I have been violated. Trespassed upon. Like someone brushing up against me physically. How dare someone tread on the property of my soul, my innermost being? Whatever causes these feelings, its not pleasant.
I picked up Book 2 of the Earth Chronicles by Zechariah Sitchin, seeing how as I was in the area. Barnes and Noble field trip! Always fun! I can't wait to begin reading it. I want to finish my X-Files book first. Otherwise I shall never finish it. Finishing projects has never been one of my strong points.
Then I came home and finally took a nap. The sweet release of sleep. The daring of dreams! A most quiet respite from the hassles of daily life...Then up again to enjoy my after-dinner mocha, which I usually have in the morning, however, the rush to Century Plaza forbade me from that most sacred of pleasures today. Until the eve. Well, I shall sign off for tonight. I will be back tomorrow!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
The Padded Room: The Padded Room
The Padded Room: The Padded Room: Okay, so, this is my first blog ever. Please bear with me. I suppose I should start with a little bit about me. I live in a small apa...
The Padded Room
Okay, so, this is my first blog ever. Please bear with me.
I suppose I should start with a little bit about me. I live in a small apartment with one other human. I love to read, and I occasionally get it in my head that what I have to say has meaning, so on occasion I have the tendency to play around with high art and pen some poetry. Anything that can be done with my hands is quite relaxing to me, actually. I sew and knit and work on projects to pass the time. Food is a passion of mine. Chocolate, too.
I supposed I should get on to why I decided to start a blog of my own. Well, to be perfectly honest, it is therapeutic for me. Getting my thoughts down in a visible form helps. I have been given the diagnoses of Depression and Anxiety. Scary words, if you think about them for a bit. Nobody really wants to deal with such things. However, a little bit of understanding goes a long way. I am the black sheep of my family, for personal, private reasons that each of my family members figures is important to them. My immediate family, that is. For other members of my blood relations, the idea of family is just so strange and foreign to me that it just isn't a part of my personality, for my own personal, private reasons that are important to me.
So, there are no random calls to dad that involve me crying and complaining that my life is temporarily, horribly wrong. No admonitions from my brothers that everything will turn out right. No invitations from mom begging me to come over and get a good meal and a hug. However, that does not mean that I don't need some form of human companionship.
For myself, there is such a feeling of freedom to be able to talk to no one in particular. Just anyone who is willing to listen to what comes out of my noisehole for an insignificant amount of their day. I believe that it is easier to say what one has to say when they have never physically met their listener/s. There is no required obligation, stress, drama and little white lies that result from friendship.
Well, that is enough for now. I hope you have enjoyed the comfort of my cozy room. Good night and sweet dreams!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)